How to Stop Attracting Toxic Love
Relationship Help

How to Stop Attracting Toxic Love

Healthy love is when two partners can be strong individuals, yet strive for equal parity in the relationship.  Neither is above doing menial chores or having a serious discussion if it benefits the dynamic.

However, on the quest to find the person worthy of your time and affection, you will encounter a number of narcissists and users.  It is important to identify and understand the signs of a toxic relationship as soon as possible to avoid undue stress and pain on your life.

It often comes down to the Law of Attraction which states: what you transmit to the world, you will receive back into your life.  If you find yourself constantly in a relationship with a narcissist you may have established, or are perpetuating, an unhealthy attraction pattern.  People can easily fall into a trap of providing an open doorway for addicts, or abusive (emotionally or worse) suitors into their lives.  It can feel so familiar to have these toxic dates that it can seem unfathomable for them to meet someone worthy and healthy, let alone enjoy a long and fulfilling love.

It is important to begin by understanding how and why this pattern got established.  Only then can you begin to craft steps to alter your behaviors, thoughts, actions and energy.  Processing the “why” allows you to cultivate vital self-awareness and insight as to the reasons you attract and receive inappropriate partners.  You must also accept many reasons go deep into your subconscious mind.

  1. Explore family patterns

Family dynamics and explore to relationships from an early age can impact who you date as an adult.  Did your parents or grandparents have a health marriage?  Do you notice a recurrence of negative traits shared by your suitors and either of your parents (or a key family member)?  During your childhood did you feel safe, valued, and have a variety of people with whom you could discuss concerns or stresses?

Even when you date someone chaotic and toxic, if it aligns with your childhood upbringing, you can feel a sense of familiarity or even comfort.  It doesn’t dawn upon you immediately that this partnership could be unhealthy or cause you pain, because it feels normal and expected.

  1. Identify themes in your love life

Revisit each of your significant romances and write down key details.  It is important that you also include ones that may have been short, but intense.  This even includes ones where you felt infatuation, but did not enjoy reciprocated feelings.

Include all details you find important, especially traits of each partner.  Finally, think about how each relationship ended.  Do you notice any patterns?  What insights are you gaining from this process and how does it affect your image of what you want in a future relationship.

  1. Own your relationship contributions

Although you may feel like you have been hurt and traumatized by past affairs, it is important to know you played a crucial part in these dynamics.  Whether you are anxious or over confident, a drama queen or a perennial victim can shine important clues onto your abilities to handle a “healthy” relationship.  Depending on your personality, behaviors and even expectations you can unintentionally sabotage a fulfilling romance before it can ever get off the ground.  Be willing to look at yourself objectively and allow negative traits to be explored, so that you can implement strategies for self-improvement.

Now that you are able to understand key ways you might be attracting toxic love, here are three vital steps you can take immediately to create healthier love energy and meet a person worthy of your affection.

  1. Be hopeful, yet selective when identifying whom to date!

Instead of putting pressure on yourself to meet “the one,” set out to enjoy time with a new person.  Don’t worry about if you will feel a “spark,” just go out and have fun.  Allow a connection to build gradually and authentically.  Take time to explore how your values, goals and interests align.  Make sure that this person meets criteria that is essential for your next ideal relationship.  By taking a slow and low-key approach you will understand whether this “date” is meant to be a new acquittance, your new dear friend or your next great love.

  1. Believe that you are worthy of a healthy and loving relationship!

People often experience “confirmation bias,” which is a pattern where one filters new data to align with a preexisting belief.  When you believe you are worthy of love, you will begin to process experiences to support this empowering view.  By saying you are worthy of being in a healthy partnership you will begin to surround yourself with dates who uplift, delight and inspire you rather than the toxic users that comprise the bulk of your exes.

  1. Focus only on aspects you are capable of controlling and improving

This means you are only capable of being able to fix yourself!  You need to forgive people from your past and any missteps you might have taken along the way.  Even the biggest heartache has led to this exact moment and the remarkable person you are today.  Be careful to not overly worry about the future either.  Instead, focus on the immediate present and claiming your power.

You alone have the ability to craft the life and love you seek.  This means become more selective of potential partners and only allowing yourself to date partners that show themselves to be respectful, consistent, emotionally present and trustworthy.

If you are still finding a lack of quality people to date, understand that you can have a rewarding life without a romantic partner.  You must feel like you can both enjoy and rely on yourself for self-fulfillment.

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